Been gone for awhile

I've put this entry off long enough, and with a New Year's Resolution to update the blog every week, I can't put it off anymore. The last few months have been painful, and I haven't wanted to write about them. But, some day, I know I'm going to look back on them and find something to be thankful for. It always works like that, doesn't it?

I'm currently living in UT with my 2 kiddos, my mom and two sisters...and no Hyrum. No, we're not separated, and yes, we DO want to live together. That's the first thing people ask (or at least they think it and don't dare ask) so I thought I would just get that out of the way.

It all started about a year ago when Hyrum was looking for a better job and came across the training programs offered by the National Guard. He decided to apply and begin taking their litany of tests and physicals to see if he would qualify for anything interesting. We were excited to learn that he scored in the highest percentile on the basic tests. Consequently, he qualified to take another rigorous test for language studies, which he also passed! We found out later that only a very small percentage of people pass this test, so Hyrum definitely had something to feel proud of.

What an answer to our prayers! Not only would Hyrum get some training for a career that he would really enjoy, but he would be well paid during training!! It felt like such a miracle, and we made preparations to change our lives accordingly.

The plan was for him to go to boot camp on Aug. 2nd, then Military Intelligence training in October, and finally Arabic school in Monterrey, CA for 18 months. We were SOOO excited for this adventure and the opportunity for Hyrum. I've never been more proud of Hyrum or happier for him.

So, when he left for boot camp, we both quit our jobs and ended our leases for our car and apartment. Everything was lined up for the next two years. However, when he got to boot camp, they found a tiny problem w/ one of his eyes, and told him he would need to be discharged. The Guard knew about it before, but thought it wouldn't be a problem. Apparently, the Army was far more picky.

He spent weeks in limbo at boot camp hearing the Army say he was disqualified, and also hearing the National Guard say they would fight to keep him in their program. When we learned that the Army was overstaffed already by 115%, we knew they were just trying to weed people out, and that he would definitely be coming home.

I've never been more deflated, depressed, angry, worried, frustrated, disappointed, confused, and hurt in my life! Our miracle was suddenly gone in a flash. Instead of our adventure, I was enveloped in chaos of thought. What now? Should I go back to work? Should Hyrum go to school? Should we move in with family? Should Hyrum look for a new job?

The worst part was not being able to discuss any of this with Hyrum, because he wasn't allowed to use the phone. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders, and I felt completely alone and helpless. Worst of all, I felt abandoned by God. Why did He open the doors to this amazing opportunity for us and then slam the door once we started to walk through?

By the time Hyrum got home, we only had days to figure out what to do. We simply didn't have money to start a new apartment least or to buy another car. We tried to renew our lease for the apartment, but there was already a new renter in place. We decided that I would find a full-time job, and Hyrum would go to school full time. But every time I looked for a job, I got a sick feeling that it was the wrong thing to do.

So, we decided that he should stay in Seattle with his family and keep working for UPS, since he gets great benefits there and is next in line for a full-time driver position, and I would live with my family in Utah. My dad drove up to Seattle in his truck and drove the kids, our meager belongings and me to the tiny village of Mayfield, UT. And here we've been since the end of August.

Many people can't understand why I'm being so "selfish" and not using my CPA license to support us. But I know what it's like for kids in daycare, since my mom did it for 18 years, so I can't do it to my kids. And I can't deny the sick feeling I get whenever I look for a job, so the other option is to stay faithful that Hyrum will get a better job or a promotion soon, and we will be together again.

In the time I've been here, my dad passed away, and I have learned a lot about living in a tiny town. More about those things later...

Anyways, that is an update on where I've been and where I am today. Everyone tells me it's all for a reason. I know that in my head, but my heart is still hurting. I'm still have a hard time trusting Heavenly Father or staying positive.

Have you ever felt really, really let down by God before? If so, how did you deal with it? How did you recover your faith?